While research confirms that marriage leads to increased life satisfaction, it is not without its challenges (Boyce, Wood, & Ferguson, 2016).
Indeed, according to the American Psychological Association (2020), between 40 and 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce.
Nevertheless, there are many approaches, often relatively straightforward, that have been shown to improve relationships. Research has identified that even increasing the number of positive interactions over negative ones can improve marriage stability (Budiharto, Meliana, & Rumondor, 2017).
Whether facilitated through one-to-one therapy, books, or mobile apps, the marriage counseling tools and approaches discussed in this article can strengthen marriage’s emotional bonds and improve overall relationship satisfaction.
Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Positive Relationships Exercises for free. These detailed, science-based exercises will help you or your clients build healthy, life-enriching relationships.
In Gottman and Silver’s excellent book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (1999), John Gottman describes how, after observing a couple’s interaction for only 15 minutes, he can predict the likelihood that they will remain together.
And, surprisingly, he is almost always right. When researchers tested his predictions, he was 91% accurate.
So, based on decades of research and interviewing thousands of couples, what did he conclude was the secret behind a happy marriage?
“Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer or more psychologically astute than others,” he says. It is simpler than that. In successful marriages, partners are more positive than negative about one another. And this emotional intelligence can be seen, even in relatively short interactions. After all, a positive attitude radiates through all areas of the relationship: play, romance, learning, and adventure.
With that in mind, marriage counseling provides a vital opportunity to observe couples’ interactions, assess where conflict arises, and agree on the steps required to meet both partners’ needs.
The couple should put together a list of questions they have for each other to make the best use of time in each marriage counseling session.
The following questions can be shared during couples therapy, but they should be encouraged to come up with a personalized list in advance of the session:
Asking questions can help uncover important underlying issues and benefit from the relationship therapy environment’s safety to help the couple discuss, move forward, and overcome their difficulties.
Emotionally intelligent marriages are more likely to succeed. But what do they look like?
While Gottman’s research identified that happy marriages were rarely a perfect union, they all shared several crucial factors.
A happy marriage builds upon (Gottman & Silver, 1999):
On the other hand, when a quarrelsome couple in a less emotionally intelligent marriage is arguing over who should take the trash out, it most likely signifies deeper issues.
According to Gottman, “most marital arguments cannot be resolved.” After all, how can you change another’s fundamental values or personality? Still, learning to understand what underpins disagreements and how to live with them can lead to a happier marriage with shared meaning and a sense of purpose.
So how do we do this?
Working together – completing questionnaires, reading books, or attending counseling sessions – can strengthen marriages, overcome difficulties, and reduce negative attitudes (Gottman & Silver, 1999; Babcock, Gottman, Ryan, & Gottman, 2013).
And yet, there is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to couples therapy, so try out the following worksheets with your clients and see what works well. Their success may vary depending on personalities and the state of the marriage.
When things are difficult in a relationship and resentments build up, it is easy to forget the qualities we first saw in a partner.
Share the Valuing My Partner Worksheet to remind the client what first attracted them to their partner.
Learning more about your partner early in a relationship (or as part of a building exercise in a long-term relationship) can be fun and rewarding:
The overuse of “you” during an argument or sensitive conversation can lead to escalation or withdrawal by the other person.
The Turning “You” into “I” spreadsheet helps each partner practice changing the subject of statements from “You” to “I” to avoid blame and facilitate a more reasoned discussion.
Once practiced, the couple can use such statements in the future when discussing sensitive issues with a partner.
